SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE

KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice.

DEAR KEN AND ARIEL: My boyfriend doesn’t make a sound during sex. No grunting, no dirty talk. Nothing. He barely breathes, in fact. It kind of freaks me out and I wonder if that’s normal?

KEN SAYS: I guess I’ll start off by asking two questions: Is he a practicing mime or did he injure his tongue and/or jaw in an unfortunate but positively awesome-to-read-about cunnilingus accident? If the answer to both of these is “no,”

then I’ll just scroll through the typical reason guys embrace their inner Marcel Marceau whilst screwing:

1. He’s the kind of guy who likes to focus intently on the job at hand (that job being pleasuring you). I once dated a girl who was so obsessed with giving me what she considered the “perfect” blowjob that she brought a slide rule and level to bed with us so she could, as she put it, “get her angle right.” Let’s just say it never quite worked out between us. And I still have pieces of ruler wedged in my colon.

2. He’s got a gambling problem. I’ll be honest; I’ve ruined many an orgasm (both mine and my unfortunate female companion) while worrying if I was losing 10 large on the Patriots. If there’s anything that can take a guy’s mind off screwing, even while screwing, it’s money.

3. He’s imagining himself with another woman. Let’s assume that this is not the case.

4. He’s imagining himself with a guy. In which case, your problems might run a bit deeper than you thought.

5. You never told him you like a little “audio” during sex. For all our bravado and posturing, most guys start praying to the Gods of Sex that we’re satisfying the shit out of a woman the second we enter her. Are you making any noise? If you keep it on the down low too, you’ve probably scared him into silence or at least a healthy dose of inadequacy. Next time you’re going at it, throw a line his way and see how he responds. Something like, “You like it when I do this?” or “Your balls ready for another trip down Throat Canyon?” should do the trick.

Joking aside, the most likely reason for his silence is that he’s putting every ounce of his mental and bodily energy into lasting more than 35 seconds. And, no, I’m not speaking from experience. Honest.

ARIEL SAYS: I guess I would prefer the dulcet tones of my own voice singing “Oh Sweet Mystery of Life” to the sound of a juice-head taking the biggest shit of his life, which is how a lot of guys sound when they come (at least, that’s how they sound when they’re with ME.) But I imagine your partner’s silence can be a tad unnerving.

I would presume, as Ken has, that he needs to really concentrate during sex —

if he loses his train of thought, he’s afraid he may come too soon. Or that his penis may fall off. So be it.

I remember having sex with a boy who was not one for small talk during sex. In fact, his facial expression would morph from sweet and adorable to a cross between Winston Churchill and Richard Nixon working on a Sudoku puzzle. Being the Chatty Kathy that I am, I would pepper him with questions such as, “Do you like when I’m on top? Doesn’t that feel good? How do you like the Red Sox’s chances this year?” Eventually he grew so frustrated that he’d scream, “Could you PLEASE keep it down while I’m trying to fuck you!” And that would actually get me excited: Yay, anger fuck time!

At any rate, you can be annoying like me or ask him to turn up the volume, but then you run the risk of making him feel that much more pressured and uncomfortable. Or worse, now his sex talk sounds like Mitt Romney at a campaign rally. Here’s a suggestion: the next time you’re doing it, put on a porn flick. Preferably one in which the dude has a speaking part. That way, your man can say nothing but still have a nice voice-over.

And maybe he’ll even pick up a few pointers along the way.

Good luck with that.

Need wildly impractical sex advice? From English majors? You can send your questions to info@kenandariel.com or visit www.kenandariel.com. TWITTER: @Tenacious_Ken & @LasciviousAriel.