SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: WHEN ALL HER FRIENDS ARE GUYS

KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice.

Dear K&A: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about two months now and can honestly say that I’m deeply in love with her. There’s just one thing that makes me uncomfortable: all of her friends are guys. In fact, just yesterday, she said that this weekend she was going out for drinks with some long-time male friend who just got back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. This isn’t the first time she’s gone out with just one guy friend, either. Should I be worried?

Ken Says: So some dude just got back from a war zone and one of the first things he needs to do is take your girlfriend out for drinks? That, my friend, is what I’d call “a red flag.” Especially when you consider that he likely spent the last couple years of his life dragging heavy artillery through a desert, dodging grenades and landmines, and living a pussy-free existence.

Which story do you think is gonna knock your girl out of her jeans faster: the one where you outfox your roommate in “Call of Duty” then order Dominos, or the one where That Guy shoots up a den of Al Qaeda operatives for reals?

You got that right.

More concerning to me is the fact that you’ve only known this girl for a couple months and you’re already proclaiming your love. Blame it on my harsh upbringing on the mean streets of Soviet-ruled Russia (or, as we locals called it, Roslindale), but I’ve never been one for this love-at-first-sight bullshit. How much can you really know about another person after just two months?

Hell, my parents were married for five years before my mother actually told my Dad her first name. And that she had a penis.

Look, you’re a guy. You know how guys operate around women, even those we claim are “just friends.” We may be all “Let’s just grab a few drinks and talk and be friends and dig on this new Maroon 5 song” on the outside. But inside our horrible, horrible minds, we’ve got her bent over our Family Dollar futon, sticking a tongue up her ass while already plotting a story involving a sick aunt, a falling satellite, and delivering free meat to orphans so we don’t have to spend the night.

My advice is to spare yourself a lot of time worrying about who she’s drinking with or dining with or fending off the advances of and move on to something else.

On the other hand, if you truly believe that the men your girlfriend is hanging around with are the exceptions to the rule, and that your lady would be immune to their persistent charms even if they weren’t, then God bless ya.

Just kick back, relax and get ready for a winter full of “Sorry, I’m busy. The lacrosse team wants to take me to an off-campus kegger.”

Oh, and tell Santa I said hi and thanks for the PlayStation.

Ariel Says: Look, your girlfriend has the right to choose who she’s friends with. But she also has the right to choose who she dates. And that person, as far as we can tell, is you. That’s right dude, she chose you. So I don’t think you need to worry.

It takes a confident, secure man to date a woman with a lot of male friends. The occasional shot of Irish whiskey helps, too.

Still, I suggest that you keep your eyes and the lines of communication open. If all of her free time is taken up with her friends, relegating you to the occasional Tuesday night or Sunday afternoon, you may want to rethink the relationship. Because, hey, as her boyfriend of two months, you’ve at least earned first right of refusal.

If all else fails, and she seems unmoved by your concerns, you could resort to more drastic measures.

Apply for the busboy position at your local neighborhood Hooters and see how she feels about you hanging out with your new “friends” after work.

Need wildly impractical sex advice? From English majors? Send your questions to info@kenandariel.com or visit kenandariel.com.