Sex Advice

Laugh Lust 

SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: MY GIRLFRIEND’S HOT FRIEND

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She thinks that every time you have sex, you’ll be imagining the best friend, and not her, dangling from the trapeze you’ve conveniently installed above your bed. Continue reading

Laugh Lust 

SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: THE TROUBLE WITH ROOMMATES

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Although another option would be working the jealousy angle by getting pictures of you sitting on the chest and/or face of some other passed-out dude. And as I happen to spend most of my spare time passed out, I’d be happy to offer any assistance you might need. Continue reading

Lust 

SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: HOW TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE

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Assuming this guy is of a similar age to you (and not one of those forty-something grad students who wants to chat you up about the new Vampire Weekend CD while fumbling with a chloroform-soaked rag), then he probably thinks about screwing 23 hours a day, with the remaining hour dedicated to daydreams about killer robots, football, and getting a blowjob in a spaceship. Continue reading

Laugh Lust 

SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN

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Now for my concern: How well do you know this woman? I only ask because when you’re hog-tied and strapped to an old radiator with your a$$ in the air and a ball gag in your mouth, you’re gonna want to trust her. Continue reading

Laugh Lust 

SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: ARE WE SCREWING OR MAKING LOVE?

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If I ask a woman to sit on my face while wearing pajama jeans for a half-hour while I stroke myself, you can rest assured that before night’s end, we’ll be f—ing. On the other hand, if I show up at her apartment wearing ass-less chaps and a top hat and monocle, we’ll be making love. Continue reading

Laugh Lust 

SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: NEVER RUB ANOTHER MAN’S RHUBARB

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The first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club and the second, third, and fourth rules are that you never, ever put your hands, mouth or checkbook anywhere near a buddy’s girlfriend.
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Lust 

SAVAGE LOVE: QUEER GOGGLES

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So back to your panty-chasing friend, CLOD. I’m pretty sure the reason you’ve never seen him “act this way when sober” is because booze provides him with the courage he needs before he picks up “Kevin Garnett in a wig” and the alibi he needs after. Continue reading

Laugh Lust 

SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: ADDICTED TO (SELF) LOVE

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If God didn’t want us to wank, he would have given us flippers instead of hands that conveniently reach our junk. Why the f-ck do you think Shamu is so goddam miserable? Continue reading

Lust 

SAVAGE LOVE: THE CUCK IS HALF EMPTY

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It’s possible that she figured she was free to break the rules because betrayal turned you on. Now she knows that betrayal turns you on as a fantasy and not a reality. Continue reading