The “We See What You Did There” Award
The time had come: I appraised the glorious meat log clutched between my willing fingers. This is no Oscar-Meyer Wiener! I thought, opening wide to take it in. Instantly, my salivary glands responded, drenching the hot, unyielding beef between my lips.
As my teeth tentatively grazed the flesh of the hardy dog, its juices erupted forcefully across my tongue.
Eyes closing in pleasure, I sighed as I enjoyed a hot mouthful of ballpark-worthy meat. Years had passed since I’d wrapped my lips around a frank with such unabashed delight! I sucked it down in a flash, and even the Sox’s loss that evening hasn’t thwarted my craving for another.
[“Fenway Park” 7.4.09.]
The “And Also There” Award
There are many lesser purveyors of quickly served cuisine, but I don’t recommend them. For the discriminating palate, as I know you, my gastro-snob readers, possess, there can only be one “king,” and it’s McDonald’s.
The “If You Say So” Award
You cannot bring a picnic into Aga’s because, well, it’s a strip club.
The “And Why is That, hmm?” Award
French delicacies, and Dorchester: not totally congruous concepts at first …
The “Hard-Hitting Journalism” Award
Q: Are you the devil?
A: Um, no.
[“Dante’s Kitchen.” 10.2.07]
The “Incomprehensible Douchebag” Award
“Once again, it tasted just fine for what it was—but what it was was an unremarkable ziggaurat.”
[“The Gallows” 8.11.10]