TOE THE LINE

When the sports press “make a joke,” they tend to beat on their chest, increase their font size and make another joke in a bigger font size. Such was the case as the New England football Patriots lined up against the New York City Jet airplanes this weekend. But in a playoff game with historical implications, most sports journalists were focused on a foot fetish. Yes, a foot fetish.

Rex Ryan, the head coach of New York’s, uh, “Gang Green,” has a thing for feet (according to Deadspin.com, he also reportedly has a thing for watching his wife get gang-banged, but that’s a whole ‘nother series of puns and we are not filling those holes).

So in the ceaseless hype leading up to game day, the headlines put the pedal … pulled no punches.

“LICK ‘EM!” said the front page of the Sunday edition of the New York Post, next to a giant foot with a Jets-themed pedicure. The Boston Herald went with “Rex Ryan’s world: ‘Trouble a-foot’” and the Google count of “Agony of De-feet” and Jets tops 4,000 related articles. On Monday, the Herald, perhaps humbled by the Jets’ decisive win, went with merely one word: “Stomped,” while the subhead read “Rex’s Jets walk all over Patriots.”

The clear winner of the foot-ball, though, was Boston’s Metro, which shocked unknowing commuters with its weekend edition. A photoshopped masterpiece, they framed Rex Ryan’s jowl-hung face with, by our count, 34 bare feet. Its lengthy subhead read:

You know it, we know it, the Jets know it: The Patriots are a lock Sunday.

At least Rex Ryan can have some footy fun in the Hub before the loss.

Yes, the Metro accompanied their outrageous cover with a story about foot fetishes and pedicures in Boston.

Metro’s research shows Ryan may like to add a pedicure at Emerge salon on Newbury Street to his itinerary. Ryan won’t miss a beat of his planning sessions because the salon, which caters to male clients with its men’s club, features flat-screen televisions and Internet access. …

If Ryan can’t find the time to make it to the Hub, then there are plenty of resources online.
Bostonfootfetish.com is a directory that posts pictures of women’s feet with descriptions and e-mail links for the ladies.

Unfortunately for Rex, Footnight, a site that lists “foot fantasy” gatherings, doesn’t have any upcoming events for the Boston area.

“Points added for the terrifying imagery, points deducted for the unimaginative headline,” wrote the editors of SportsGrid.com. “Whatever happens on Sunday,” wrote SB Nation, “you will not be able to erase the memory of a smiling Rex Ryan surrounded by hundreds of feet. Welcome to the post-apocalyptic United States, where your worst nightmare is … An awesome newspaper cover.”

Much to the Metro‘s chagrin, the Jets soundly beat the hometown team and the paper of course had to put its … take it all back.

The Tucson Citizen kept … aware of its surroundings when their “In Progress at Press Time” blog came up with a few more puns of their own:

“Pats Shoot Selves in Foot”

“This Little Piggie Won in Foxborough, This Little Piggie Stays Home”

“Rex Ryan’s Dogs Are Barking, Pats Forced to Heel”

“Welker Incon-sole-able After Loss”

In the end, all the ridiculous hype scored big for the National Football League, who saw the game become the most-watched divisional playoff in television history.

When it comes to sports media making puns, those who succeed do so by jumping in with … by giving it their all.

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