SMART PEOPLE ON BAD DAYS: ALISON

I’ve recently started dating someone I really like, and he seems to like me too. We met online and have been dating for about a month and a half. We have a lot in common, communicate daily, go out once or twice a week, and enjoy each other’s company on a number of levels. All systems are go.

At least I think so. When we started having sex, we agreed to be sexually monogamous. No problem there. I also said I wasn’t dating anyone else at that time, to which he replied that he had gone out with someone since we’d started seeing each other. This was also ok. It was very early on, so I didn’t feel compelled to push for exclusivity because, frankly, who knows how these things are going to turn out? I was happy keeping my options open, even if there wasn’t anyone else in the picture at the moment.

Now my feelings have changed. I don’t want to go out with anyone else, but both our online profiles are still up and I’m still logging in daily, which is how I know he’s also logging in daily. I’m not really happy about this.

Plus, I receive a fair number of messages from men on there and some seem really interesting. So now I feel bad for not responding to them, since they’re operating under the assumption that I want to meet new people.

And I feel twice as bad because I’ve met a good guy but I’m still poking around on this dating site, which just feels wrong. Except that he’s also doing that. And who wants to see that the person they’re into is on a dating website every day? Not me.

The profiles have taken on lives of their own, and I’ve put way too much energy into worrying about why he’s still on there, whether I should take mine down, and whether he’s dating a bunch of other women. For starters, I know taking down my profile is the right thing to do, but I don’t want to be the only one. And I don’t want to have to convince him to take his down, because it seems to me if he wanted to be exclusive, he’d do that on his own. Plus, I don’t want to be the “we need to talk” girl because it’s not like we’ve been dating a long time, and I know I’m not always as patient as I should be.

So do I calm down and see where this goes? Do I talk with him and lay it all out? Everything in the real world has been great. It’s just the online stuff that’s screwing with me.

Dear Alison,

As a proud member of the brand-new generation of adults in our screwed-up century, I am totally fascinated with this question. I, like many of us, am still trying to figure out whether online dating kerfuffles are today’s equivalent of concerns over cutlery placement or whether they’re more akin to disquiet regarding who’s coming to dinner.

In other words, how important is this stuff?

Here’s what I’m thinking: overall, this stuff is more like the whole which-fork-gets-used-first debate. It’s confusing and rife with potential for embarrassment, but ultimately meaningless. Not to mention the fact that we’d have to be impossible snobs to fault someone for fucking it up in such fraught territory.

Look, you only know that he’s been compulsively logging on to this dating site because you’ve been compulsively logging in to this dating site. I bet you’re only doing it at this point to see if he is. And you have no way of knowing what his motivation is either. So, I feel your pain. But cut it out.

You’re being irrational. And actually, that’s okay. It might even be a good sign.

We behave a bit irrationally when we’re in love, or even just deeply smitten with someone. And you, my friend, are at the very least in deep smit (and hopefully smut). Congratulations! I hope that this relationship works out! And if it does, you can be assured that there will be many confusing situations in your future, and many awkward conversations you will have to participate in. It comes with the territory of long-term relationships. But if it works, it is so worth it.

Making it work starts now. So get ready, because it’s time to have your first clumsy, inelegant conversation. You’re going to have to come clean about your emotions, and about the fact that your expectations have changed.

But first, you’re going to have to take down your own profile.

Because you can’t very well ask him to take down his if yours is still up. A few other pointers on how to survive this talk with a minimum of trauma for the both of you: do not go into it with any assumptions. He might have his profile up because he’s seeing other women. He might have it up as a sort of fantasy outlet, even though he’s committed to you. He might be hedging his bets. Or he might be head over heels for you and simply using his profile to check obsessively on your status. Or maybe, just maybe, people are complicated enough in real life and we shouldn’t worry so much about what they do online as long as they’re good to us face to face (with a few notable exceptions). So don’t assume anything, and be clear with yourself and him that his past online behavior is not your concern. It’s what he does in the future –your future together– that matters.

Also, watch your tone. You don’t want to sound like you’re accusing him of anything, and you don’t want to get defensive if he asks you about your profile, either. This is just a conversation to feel out and make progress on the status of your relationship. It’s the equivalent of a well-baby check up. So roll out this talk with that in mind: there’s nothing wrong; you’re just checking in and negotiating some parameters for what to expect next.

And be honest and clear. Tell him that you want to be exclusive exclusive, and you hope he wants to as well. Ask him what he sees as the next step in your relationship. And tell him that you want him to take down his profile, and to generally stop looking for other partners while you to go through the happy process of making a go at this.

Now, as far as these “interesting” men you feel so bad not messaging back: cut that out too.

I’m'a bet you’re a happy adult with a full life. Which means that you don’t need online dating services to look for platonic friends. While I’m a big fan of non-traditional relationships, you and your (as-yet sort-term) partner have decided to be sexually monogamous. Which means that no matter how fantastic these cyber-guys are, and how flattering their attention may be, you have to ignore them. And you certainly don’t need to feel bad about not responding to their inquiries. If people who use Match.com and Okcupid were devastated every time they didn’t hear back from a stranger they poked it would be like the virgin suicides around here. But all of this is moot, because you’re going to take down your profile while you’re still pursing Mr. Right, who you’re already sleeping monogamously with, right? RIGHT?

But the most interesting thing to me about your question doesn’t have anything to do with our brave new world of profiles rendered in ones and zeros. This whole thing may have started with a question about Internet etiquette, but it seems to me to have revealed an old-fashioned question about gender and relationships. You write: “And I don’t want to have to convince him to take his down, because it seems to me if he wanted to be exclusive, he’d do that on his own. Plus, I don’t want to be the ‘we need to talk’ girl.”

Throughout history, I’d wager, new couples have had an uncanny ability to psych themselves out and inadvertently mess with each others heads.

Think about your current contribution to this genre: I don’t want to ask him to do something he doesn’t know I want because he should just, totally separate from me, want to do it. It would be a sign that we’re on the same page. I’m pointing out how silly this is, but really, I can’t fault you for that kind of thinking. There are a thousand assholes out there who would have you believe that finding and keeping a mate (to say nothing of love, whatever that is) requires a series of schemes, obfuscations and gymnastics. Not to mention that relationships are complicated! That kind of shit hurts our heads, and so we don’t always behave at our best, even when it is important to do so. But the fact is, our most intimate dating relationships have to be founded on openness, honesty, trust, and courage, not wild expectations and delusions of our partner’s grandeur (or our own). If you want something, you are going to have to ask. And you can’t take his inability to read your mind or his lack of prior preparation for having identical standards as an indication of his level of commitment to you.

Women, I think, get into particular trouble with this.

Raised to see our own assertiveness as synonymous with insufferability and expressing our needs as nagging, it’s no wonder that we don’t want to be “the ‘we need to talk’ girl.” Lots of women are under the impression that being low-maintenance is our primary attractive characteristic. And I get that; no one wants to be seen as needy, and it is true that not every emotion we have has to be verbally processed to death. But this kind of thinking is a trap. It sets women up against other women –those impossible “high-maintenance” women, some of whom might be naggy and annoying, but most of whom are probably just trying to open up a goddamned dialogue. Add to this, a fun double-bind: while it is important that women feel free in meaningful relationships to speak our opinions and give voice to our needs, we do not want to be in the position of taking responsibility for initiating every important discusion and being alone in empathetically eliciting the emotions of our partners.

So good luck to all of us, men and women, who are tasked with the necessity of sloughing off that cultural bullshit. I think the only thing we can really do is to take turns with our partner at being the “we need to talk” person. And to work really hard to not see our feelings and thoughts as an imposition on our partner. And absolutely to stop taking pride in being the woman who is laid-back and hassle-free —to see that for far too long assertive, competent women have been labeled as needy when we are deserving of help and shrewish when we recognize a difficulty that needs to be addressed. It doesn’t have to be that way anymore, at least not in our relationships.

Readers? Am I totally off base here? What would you do about your online profile? And your mates?

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Got a question? Or a conundrum? Or maybe you just want to complain about the modern world or my column? Email smartpeopleonbaddays (at) gmail.com! I can’t wait to hear from you.

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