BEAN COUNTER: VOLUME 14, ISSUE 37

Patriots fans will be the first to try Gillette Stadium’s new wi-fi network at the upcoming home opener against the Arizona Cardinals on September 16. The new network should enable fans to Google for ever more colorful, politically incorrect ways to insult Adrian Wilson’s manhood. EVEN

The tissue engineering lab at Mass General Hospital have made breakthroughs in the growth of human ears. “And yes, they’re ‘sustainable’ and ‘organic,’” said a perturbed researcher, adding, “because they’re fucking ears.” PLUS 2

Alleged mob boss Whitey Bulger’s attorney, J.W. Carney Jr., claims the U.S. Attorney’s Office has “demonized” his client for over 17 years. “For the record,” said Carney, “my client self-identifies as a ghoul, not a demon.” MINUS 1

Joe Kennedy III defeated his two opponents in the Massachusetts congressional primary. Despite the victory, Kennedy’s team still worry that the candidate’s family name and extreme good-looks could be a liability … somehow. PLUS 1 ER-AH

The U.S. Department of Justice has given New Hampshire the go-ahead to implement new voter identifications laws. “Unless you have a buddy who’ll totally vouch for you, we’re gonna need some identifyin’ scrip,” said one wicked huge buzzkill. PLUS 1
 

THIS WEEK’S TOTAL: PLUS 3
LAST WEEK’S TOTAL: PLUS 1