BEAN COUNTER: VOLUME 14, ISSUE 38

Irish native Robert McTernan allegedly brandished a knife and demanded a cannoli at Bova’s Bakery in the North End. Police have confiscated “roughly a squad’s worth” of sweet, flaky pastry as evidence. MINUS 2

The recently barred Emerson College Quidditch club has obtained a permit allowing them to return to their usual fake-sporting area on the Boston Common. “Imagine that, a permit for a public space,” said one gravely serious poli-sci major while basically humping a broom. PLUS 2

A UPS driver saved a dog dangling from a South End window last week. Guess you could say it was a “special” delivery. ‘Cause, like, it was a dog. Which isn’t a normal thing. PLUS 1 WOOF

Medical marijuana opponents in Massachusetts have found that a site they had given to state election officials—and in turn supplied to voters—was in fact a parody site run by the opposition. “But … but ‘reefertownz420.biz’ looked so legit,” said one official. PLUS 420

A New Hampshire woman and her child are reportedly doing well after the woman gave birth in the New Hampshire Motor Speedway parking lot. Please note that “well” is a relative concept. MINUS 1

THIS WEEK’S TOTAL: PLUS 420
LAST WEEK’S TOTAL: PLUS 3