HOW YOU QUEUIN’: TROLL 2

You’ve been reading my posts for awhile now so you know I have quite an affinity for terrible movies. Well it doesn’t get much more terrible than the major flop that is Troll 2, a true all-star of the horrible movie hall of fame.

I know what you’re thinking. “I haven’t seen the original Troll.” No worries my friends, no worries at all.

Troll 2 is the tale of the Waits family and their son Joshua who has quite the imagination. You know, the kind of imagination where he has visions of his dead grandfather Seth reading him stories of goblins. The Waits are heading out on a summer vacation to a teeny town called Nilbog to swap houses with a freak family. It’s just like The Holiday and maybe more realistic because Kate Winslet and Jack Black… really? The creepy homeowners have left a vegetarian meal which the family seems to overlook is green slime from Nickelodeon. Joshua’s vision of his grandpa tells him the food is poison so Joshua stops the meal the only way you can: by pissing on it.

Turns out, eating the tainted food of Nilbog will turn humans into plants so that the residents of Nilbog, the Kingdom of the Goblins, can eat them. It’s not cannibalism if you turn them into trees first.

My love for Troll 2 is hard to put into words.

I know everything I’ve said about this movie is absurd but trust me, you must watch this movie. Making a sequel to a movie about trolls yet never having a troll in it gives it immediate hilarity. The ridiculous plot and campy dialogue make for some great quotables and I love a town full of Deliverance rejects. The goblin masks look like something you buy at Spirit Halloween and allows each person watching to pick their favorites (mine is the long, pointy nosed mouth-breathing one). I won’t ruin the ending, but there’s a nice little twist that made me rewind and laugh like a sicko.

Troll 2 has a huge cult following with so many YouTube clips you could waste a day laughing hysterically at the nonsense.

But why YouTube clips when you can watch the entire movie in its glory on Netflix Instant?

I’ve seen Troll 2 a dozen times now, and next week I’m getting all the behind-the-scenes details when I queue Best Worst Movie, the documentary directed by Troll 2 star Michael Stephenson (little pisser Joshua all grown up) about the cult following of one of the worst movies ever made.

That’s right everyone- this is a 2-part How You Queuin’ so you better watch Troll 2 now or end up as goblin dinner.  And whatever you do… don’t ask for coffee.