Welcome to my weekly sports segment. If you stumbled upon this looking for something kinkier, I apologize. If you are embarrassed that you stumbled upon this looking for something kinkier, nobody’s judging you…
Everyone Knows That The Draft Is Super Exciting!
This year’s draft came and went with very few surprises. As absolutely everyone except that one jackass who correctly calls one upset per century (he said that Italy would beat Germany and we all laughed at him) suspected, the New Orleans Hornets selected forward Anthony Davis of Kentucky with the first overall pick in the draft. This kid can do everything; shoot, rebound, block, he’s simply miles ahead of anyone else in the draft. Many analysts seem to think that he is one of the few incoming rookies that is truly NBA-ready. His only weakness? Razors, clippers, and tweezers all seem to break when they get too close to his caterpillar eyebrow.
Realistically, The addition of Davis won’t bring the Hornets back to the Playoffs immediately, but put a few more decent ballers around him and they have a shot. The Hornets are already starting to do this as we can see by their number 10 pick, Austin Rivers. The kid can score. Plus he’s doc’s son which almost makes us forgive the fact that he played for Duke.
With the second overall pick, MJ and his Bobcats chose Kentucky Small forward Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. Aside from having two names, he has two established talents, scoring and rebounding. Honestly, he’s a good player but nothing short of a miracle (or Dwight Howard) can save the Bobcats. All we can expect from K-G is that he prevents the Bobcats from breaking their own record of worst winning percentage in the history of the NBA.
With the third pick, the Washington Wizards chose Florida guard Bradley Beal. I really like this player. He’s a great shooter, a deep threat, and has a high IQ. That’s exactly what the Wizards need. He and Wall will be a tough backcourt to handle.
Now for the small part of the draft that you actually care about, the Celtics picks. The C’s had the 21st and 22nd picks. They chose Ohio state forward Jarred Sullinger, and Syracuse Center Fab Melo (respectively). Sullinger was a steal. A lot of teams passed on him because of injury but the Celts scooped him up because, if he stays healthy, he can be a force. He is strong, a great rebounder, and can shoot. This is what the Celtics need more of, especially the rebounding! He averaged 17.5 points per game and 9.2 rebounds per game with Ohio so we know the kid can play. Good bargain pick for the Celts.
Their other draftee, Fab Melo is a little more controversial. This massive shot blocker is still learning the game. He isn’t a great rebounder (only 5.8 per game) or shooter (7.8 per game) and has a prima-donna attitude, but he just has so much potential! Hopefully Doc will be able to discipline this not-quite-all-star and teach him to rebound. The one thing Melo has is size. As I said, he’s massive (over 7 feet) which means that he has the potential to be a prolific rebounder. We’ll see.
Daddy Doc At The Draft
In a much more whimsical interview than we’re used to, Doc Rivers talked about his son Austin being drafted in the top 10. Austin Rivers will join Anthony Davis and the Hornets to start their rebuild. Doc chose to stay with his son on draft night instead of sitting with Celtics higher ups. He said he wanted to be there for his son on his big night. That’s cute, I didn’t know Doc had a gushy mushy side! But the Doc we all know and love came around when Austin offered him a Hornets draft hat and Doc refused to put it on saying “I’m a Celtic.” There he is!
Howard Reported Saying: “WAHHHHH WAHHHHH, WAHHHHH”
The Dwight Howard saga continues as he rampages through Orlando. He has already demanded that coach Stan Van Gundy and GM Otis Smith be fired… which they were. He said that he would stay if the team was under new management… which it is. But even though his demands have been met, Howard is still whining and has officially requested a trade. The Houston Rockets seem to be the primary suitor, as they have made moves to acquire the big man. The Rockets traded for the 12th, 16th, and 18th overall picks in the draft. They have told the Magic that they can have all of these rookies, as well as point guard Kyle Lowry in exchange for Howard. The Magic are expected to make a decision either later today or tomorrow but it doesn’t look good. If the Magic reject the trade, the Rockets will try for Atlanta’s Josh Smith or Lakers’ Pau Gasol. Even with a potential trade on the line, Dwight Howard is not happy because he has his heart set on a move to the Brooklyn Nets, even though they don’t have the necessary components for a trade. Honestly, I like Dwight Howard but he is being a baby. Plenty of players get sent to teams that aren’t necessarily on the top of their list but you don’t see them crying… ok Derek Fisher cried but that’s it! Stop pouting Dwight.
Go Home Ronaldo
A semifinal stalemate between powerhouses Spain and Portugal had to be decided in penalties. Regulation time was defined by missed opportunities and great saves. Portugese Goalkeeper Rui Patricio had 3 clutch saves that kept Portugal in the game. Cristiano Ronaldo missed three opportunities to put Portugal ahead, sailing three shots over the goal. The game was very heated and anything but boring. A total of 52 fouls were committed and 9 yellow cards were handed out. After 21 total shots couldn’t find a winner, the two sides went to penalties.
The first shots by both Portugal and Spain (Joao Mountinho and Xabi Alonso respectively) were saved. Andres Iniesta opened the scoring followed by Portugal’s Pepe, and Nani who answered back. Spain’s Pique and Sergio Ramos hit their shots with style. The next penalty taker, Bruno Alves, caved under pressure and sent his shot wide opening the way for Spain’s Cesc Fabregas to claim the victory. Fabregas was caught talking to the ball, coaxing it into the net. He claims it really works. Hmm… where have I seen that before?
Cristiano Ronaldo, a notoriously good PK taker, did not make an appearance at the penalty line. Instead of helping his team to victory, Ronaldo simply stood there muttering the word injustica. This is Portuguese for unfair. Maybe he should go hang out with Dwight Howard and they can whine to each other about how life is unfair.
Mario and Luigi
Didn’t catch the game? All you need to know is that Mario Balotelli = sheer brilliance. The Italian had two glorious goals in the first half to give Italy a quick and commanding lead. After that, the Italians played… well, Italian soccer! They passed and passed and passed, not really looking like they had any plan. Germany’s attack was relentless but Gianluigi “Luigi” Buffon saved it all… well, most of it anyways. In the second minute of injury and stoppage time, Italian Federico Balzaretti was called for a handball in the box, resulting in a penalty. Mesut Ozil struck it beautifully to put Germany on the board, but it wasn’t enough. Buffon came away with 7 saves in the game. That, coupled with Mario Balotelli’s two goals won Italy the match and a place in the Finals. We’ll see if the Super Mario Brothers can get it done in the Final against defending champion, Spain.
For All The Marbles
Spain and Italy. The best of Europe. We’ve seen this matchup already during the Euro 2012 group stage. Last time these two faced off they both came away with one point, tying 1-1. However, a tie is not an option this time around. As far as predictions go, Spain is the logical choice. They’ve won every international tournament in the past four years and are simply a better team. However, games don’t always play out logically. Italy has come a long way and will not go down quietly. This is a passionate, unpredictable machine that could very well claim victory. Honestly, I’m content seeing either side win. The underdog story is always fun but the dynasty story is juicier. In any case, I’m glad Italy’s here because the North End (where I will be watching the game) will be wild this weekend. Let the beer flow and the cars tip!
The New England Revolution tied Toronto FC 2-2 last weekend. This game was frustrating to say the least. The revs were on fire, ripping 15 shots, 10 of which were on target. This extreme accuracy, however, was not enough to best Toronto goalkeeper Milos Kocic who snagged 8 saves. Toronto took an early lead, as they led by 2 going into the second half. The Revolution managed to fight back as substitute Blake Brettscneider scored, followed by a Chris Tierney goal in the 90th minute.
New England picked up one point but dropped to seventh place in the Eastern Conference. They will play the Seattle Sounders on Saturday.
We are now entering that awkward time period between the start of the season and the end of any interesting news. So bear with me on this one, I’ll make it quick.
Hah, Just kidding! The sad thing is you believed me for a second there. There’s really not much in the NFL to talk about.
Wait, Doesn’t England Already Have Football?
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft wants to introduce a new NFL team in London within the next ten years. Disregarding the confusion that would arise regarding football vs football (soccer to us), This is not the most plausible idea. Just think about it for a second. It would be harder for a London based team to attract free agents because many of them would not want to move to England. In response to this, Kraft suggested that the team be based in the US but play in London. Ok, that’s better but the players would still have to fly over there 8 times a year to play one game. That would suck! The only positive I can see in this is that Kraft wants the Patriots to play the London team annually. I suggest we call the British team the Loyalists so we can see the Patriots clobber the Loyalists every year!
The annual NFL rankings are out and as usual, nobody’s paying attention to them! Tom Brady got #4 (3rd best QB) which got me thinking about the elite and not so elite QB’s in the league. Here are my top and bottom 5. Please note that I am basing this off stats, likability, and mostly nothing.
My Top 5 QB Picks:
1 Rogers 1A. Brady 1B. Brees 4. Romo 5. Screw it! I’m gonna say Tebow!!!
My 5 Most overrated Quarterbacks:
1. Mark Sanchez 2. Joe Flacco 3. Ben Rothlisberger 3. Jay Cutler 4. Donavan McNabb 5. Kyle Orton