MAIN STREAMING: BOURNE LEGACY

Are you psyched that there’s a new BOURNE movie? Yeah well, calm down. I come bearing bad news: this is not the BOURNE sequel you were looking for.

It only took 4 movies and changing the lead hero to make THE BOURNE HERP DERP.

Kind of looks like Jeremy Renner, right?

Jeremy Renner is the new not-quite Jason Bourne, Aaron Cross. We first catch up with him on a pretty boring camping trip/training exercise in the middle of bumfucknowhere, Alaska. Meanwhile, in other parts of the world, actual Jason Bourne (uncredited Matt Damon cameos galore) is fucking shit up and having a grand old time making the men whispering into their cuff links sweat. Cut again back to Cross and he’s throwing snow at the wolves who were following him. You know, because you needed a reminder on how fearless Liam Neeson was staring down a monster pack of wolves back in THE GREY.  I can also imagine that the wolf contingent will not be pleased with the way they’re depicted in the movie either. But Cross finally runs into his first set of issues when the sketch cabin he goes to for shelter and drugs is blown up like a meth lab.

Renner just wants his drugs, and he’ll fly to the Philippians in order to get his “chems.” Nice job Tony Gilroy, we made Jason Bourne’s successor an addict.

There’s a sidestory in the destruction of the chems and the operatives who were taking them. Of course Bourne Cross and a female chemist (Rachel Weisz, in an unmoving and predictable performance) are the only survivors and must wean Cross off of his chem addiction in order to save the day. Too bad the motor cycle chase finally happens 20 minutes before the credits roll and the first gunfight takes place a good hour into the movie. What kind of American spy movie is this? Certainly not the BOURNE we’ve all come to know, to enjoy, and to expect.

If I got up right now and ran around my block, I’d have spent the equivalent amount of time that the characters spend running in the movie.

We ride in cars, sneak on planes, and slip through security, and it all lacks suspense because it just looks too easy.

Hell, over an hour and a half into the movie, we get introduced to the bad guy from another CIA program that chose its acronyms out of alphabet soup. I wanted to watch a murderous MacGyver that could escape dozens of cronies by giving them a thump on the jugular, not the guy who escapes by setting off the fire alarm. And that is why the Bourne Legacy herp derped its own premise: we didn’t buy an expensive movie ticket for a lesson in saying no to uppers or to watch a bunch of travel montages, we wanted to see some action with some plot twists sprinkled throughout.

And let’s be honest, brandishing the young face of Matt Damon throughout the movie is nothing more than a tease. Legacy is supposed to be taking place in parallel with Ultimatum, but it just reminds us of how damn good Ultimatum was.

Why can’t we watch that movie instead?

I guess the one good thing about this installation is that they steadied the camera enough that I don’t feel like I need to reach for the Dramamine. Progress!