Toys are lots of fun—unless they kill, murder, or maim. In 2015, dismemberment is the minimum, as kids are bound to lose at least a couple of fingers in an average trip to the big box store. Even with so much guaranteed danger, though, we went out of our way—halfway to hell actually—for this umpteenth annual Kiddie Kroakers, a compendium of the most horrible and tasteless rejected infant death traps and bad influences. Play at your own risk.
MILF on the Shelf
Tagline: “Hot to squat”
Description: A cleverly rhymed children’s MILF explaining the story of Santa’s MILVES, who are sent to be Santa’s eyes and ears at children’s homes around the world! Adopt your own MILF and learn the tale of Santa’s flirtiest helpers.
Price: Two Martinis
Frozen “Sinaloa Sing-A-Long” Elsa
Tagline: “Let it snow”
Description: Croon along with ruthless coke Queen Elsa as she belts narcocorridos for the whole empire.
Price: $50/gram
Gluten Orphan Annie
Tagline: “The runs will come out tomorrow”
Description: Like the little redhead Annie, only more annoying because she can’t eat at regular restaurants.
Price: Whole Paycheck
Mister Dictator Head
Tagline: “Potato skinheads”
Description: Dress your plastic spud up like your favorite domineering megalomaniac. New Donald J Trump wannabe edition on back order.
Price: Your Freedom
Barbie Saddle ’N Ride Pope Francis
Tagline: “Uber Catholic”
Description: Kind of like the Barbie Saddle ’N Ride Horse, but with a sweaty Pope Francis where the horse would be.
Price: 50 Hail Marys
Teenage Mutant Ninja Girdles
Tagline: “Heroes in a quarter shell”
Description: You didn’t really think your favorite pizza-eating ninjas squeezed into that armor without cheating a little, did you? With these new bulletproof waist ties for good guys, you’ll have no trouble at all convincing a new generation of kids that you’re not the same old chubby Italian tortoise from the ’90s.
Price: Market Price/Seasonal
Filet Minions
Tagline: “Despicable meat!”
Description: Evolving from prime single-celled organisms, Filet Minions live to be served and have caused dysentery in masters from T. Rex to Napoleon. May cause deep depression, irritating ticks.
Price: $12.99/pound
R2-DWI
Tagline: “You’ll C-3 pee in your car”
Description: Face it—R2-D2 has been one of the drunkest Star Wars characters for a long time. But until now, you couldn’t ride inside a pony keg resembling his cannister while recklessly speeding down the highway.
Price: Varies depending on attorney fees
Girl Scouts Deluxe Wookie Oven
Tagline: “Chewy Bacca”
Description: An actual oven for children that is designed for young girls to incinerate toys belonging to their older brothers.
Price: À la carte
SPECIAL: REJECTED GOP VIDEO GAMES
Womb Raider “A Mike Huckabee adventure.”
Curious Jeb “Where did all the voters go?”
Ted Cruz’n World “The game where you fuck cars.”
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