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Dig Bos

The Dig - Greater Boston's Alternative News Source

2015 HOLIDAY GUIDE: KIDDIE KROAKERS

Written by DIG STAFF Posted December 21, 2015 Filed Under: FEATURES, Guides, LIFESTYLE, Shop

HG_KiddieKroakers2015_728

Toys are lots of fun—unless they kill, murder, or maim. In 2015, dismemberment is the minimum, as kids are bound to lose at least a couple of fingers in an average trip to the big box store. Even with so much guaranteed danger, though, we went out of our way—halfway to hell actually—for this umpteenth annual Kiddie Kroakers, a compendium of the most horrible and tasteless rejected infant death traps and bad influences. Play at your own risk.

 

HG_KK_MILFonShelf_300MILF on the Shelf

Tagline: “Hot to squat”

Description: A cleverly rhymed children’s MILF explaining the story of Santa’s MILVES, who are sent to be Santa’s eyes and ears at children’s homes around the world! Adopt your own MILF and learn the tale of Santa’s flirtiest helpers.

Price: Two Martinis

 

HG_KK_CocaineElsa_300

Frozen “Sinaloa Sing-A-Long” Elsa

Tagline: “Let it snow”

Description: Croon along with ruthless coke Queen Elsa as she belts narcocorridos for the whole empire.

Price: $50/gram

 

 

HG_KK_GlutenAnnie_300Gluten Orphan Annie

Tagline: “The runs will come out tomorrow”

Description: Like the little redhead Annie, only more annoying because she can’t eat at regular restaurants.

Price: Whole Paycheck

 

 

 

HG_MrPotatoTrump_300Mister Dictator Head

Tagline: “Potato skinheads”

Description: Dress your plastic spud up like your favorite domineering megalomaniac. New Donald J Trump wannabe edition on back order.

Price: Your Freedom

 

 

 

HG_KK_BarbiePope_300Barbie Saddle ’N Ride Pope Francis

Tagline: “Uber Catholic”

Description: Kind of like the Barbie Saddle ’N Ride Horse, but with a sweaty Pope Francis where the horse would be.

Price: 50 Hail Marys

 

 

 

HG_KK_TMNG_300Teenage Mutant Ninja Girdles

Tagline: “Heroes in a quarter shell”

Description: You didn’t really think your favorite pizza-eating ninjas squeezed into that armor without cheating a little, did you? With these new bulletproof waist ties for good guys, you’ll have no trouble at all convincing a new generation of kids that you’re not the same old chubby Italian tortoise from the ’90s.

Price: Market Price/Seasonal

 

HG_KK_FiletMinion_300Filet Minions

Tagline: “Despicable meat!”

Description: Evolving from prime single-celled organisms, Filet Minions live to be served and have caused dysentery in masters from T. Rex to Napoleon. May cause deep depression, irritating ticks.

Price: $12.99/pound

 

 

HG_KK_R2DUI_300R2-DWI

Tagline: “You’ll C-3 pee in your car”

Description: Face it—R2-D2 has been one of the drunkest Star Wars characters for a long time. But until now, you couldn’t ride inside a pony keg resembling his cannister while recklessly speeding down the highway.

Price: Varies depending on attorney fees

 

 

HG_KK_GirlScoutWookie_300Girl Scouts Deluxe Wookie Oven

Tagline: “Chewy Bacca”

Description: An actual oven for children that is designed for young girls to incinerate toys belonging to their older brothers.

Price: À la carte

 

 


SPECIAL: REJECTED GOP VIDEO GAMES

HG_RejectedGOPVideoGames_728

Womb Raider “A Mike Huckabee adventure.”

Curious Jeb “Where did all the voters go?”

Ted Cruz’n World “The game where you fuck cars.”

DIG STAFF
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Dig Staff means this article was a collaborative effort. Teamwork, as we like to call it.

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Filed Under: FEATURES, Guides, LIFESTYLE, Shop Tagged With: Kiddie Kroakers, World's deadliest toys

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