Boston News Today - CATHOLICS NEED NOT APPLY

Who knew that jury selection for a capital case could be such a pain in the toilet? For those of us who’d like to see the kid dipped in a fryolator pronto, the death penalty trial of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev already feels neverending. And it hasn’t even begun. Nevertheless; before moving on, we might as well retrace some of the basics of what happened last week. This should only take a second, starting with an official postponement …

Opening statements in Boston federal court won’t start as planned on Jan. 26 “in the interest of thoroughness,” and a new date hasn’t been set, court spokeswoman Ginny Hurley said Thursday in a statement.

Then this shit again …

Lawyers for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev are making a third push to move his trial outside Massachusetts, citing a large number of prospective jurors who already believe he’s guilty and the personal connections many have to the attack.

NUNSENSE

Here’s our favorite knee-slapper in some time: “Boston bombing jury excludes some Catholics.” Great scoop for a week when there was little happening to actually cover. The piece hit right after we got back from church on Sunday, and made our nipples hard immediately …

As the quest for a jury in the Boston Marathon bombing trial approaches its fourth week, some of the area’s 2 million Roman Catholics are growing frustrated with criteria that effectively disqualify followers of church teachings.

Jury Quest. Great name for sci-fi courtroom drama. But we digress …

Potential jurors in bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s trial must be able to impose the death penalty or a life sentence with no possibility of release. That standard eliminates Catholics who heed the catechism of the Catholic Church, which says a death sentence is not to be used when “non-lethal means are sufficient to defend and protect people’s safety from the aggressor.”

Our thought: Shouldn’t Catholics be psyched about missing jury duty? This could go on for months. Furthermore, anybody who believes in transubstantiation should be glad they aren’t asked to abstain from other things as well, like driving. People who believe in heaven, hell, and/or ghosts should be committed, not allowed on the open road. Considering that Greater Boston is more than 40 percent Catholic, there’s no better traffic solution.

All of the above considered, this particularly fanatical sect of cheek-turners should probably be kept out of the running. Then again, anyone who can forgive all of those rape-y priets may be just the kind of brain-dead rube defense lawyers are looking for.

THIS JUST IN

It looks like Jesus lovers ain’t the only ones getting blackballed. So are opportunistic freaks. From yesterday’s Boston Globe …

For a time, it seemed no one wanted to serve on the jury for the trial of accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

One after another, men and women cited job commitments, destination weddings, an aversion to the death penalty, or a certainty of guilt as reasons to prevent them from sitting on a trial expected to last at least three months.

But after six days of vetting more than 80 potential jurors, attorneys were on the lookout for the opposite problem: Those who appear to be trying too hard to get on the panel that will weigh one of the most watched cases in Boston history.

In other words, you have to be willing, but not too much. Which leaves approximately no one. And now two consecutive snow day cancellations. Does anybody seen an end to this?

[Media Farm is wrangled by DigBoston News+Features Editor Chris Faraone. Since it’s written by our whole staff, we generally run with a collective byline.We decided Chris should specifically cosign this week since he wasted the first half of his life in the Catholic Church and he figures that ought to at least be good for trashing sleazeball pedophiles and their devotees.]

CHRIS FARAONE

A Queens, NY native who came to New England in 2004 to earn his MA in journalism at Boston University, Chris Faraone is the editor and co-publisher of DigBoston and a co-founder of the Boston Institute for Nonprofit Journalism. He has published several books including 99 Nights with the 99 Percent, and has written liner notes for hip-hop gods including Cypress Hill, Pete Rock, Nas, and various members of the Wu-Tang Clan.