Jessimae Peluso is a girl we love to laugh with, and occasionally get all fappy over since she’s hot. With Valentine’s Day on our mind, we dropped her an email and got all sexy with her…because you can’t. What you can do though is see her live this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at Laugh Boston.

What’s it like to be a comedic sex symbol? Is it stressful? Do you ever just wake up and say, “I’m tired of being beautiful!”

I’M A SEX SYMBOL?? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, LOCK IT AND CALL ADT!! I never really looked at myself that way. Being a woman can be fuckin exhausting, sometimes I don’t feel complete unless I have a set of fake eyelashes on. It’s a conundrum! I don’t wake up and say “I’m tired of being beautiful.” I have, however, woken up, many a day, and looked at myself in the mirror and said, “WHEN DID GAREY BUSEY GET HERE?!” I’m just happy to wake up most days. Even if I do look like Nick Nolte’s mug shot. Fuck it, I’m cute.

Do you ever regret Girl Code, and by that we mean, does the success from that show suck more so than it doesn’t suck?

REGRETS? HA! I regret NUFFIN! Any success is this biz is a gift. I am forever grateful for my experience on Girl Code. But, that being said, you have to adapt, move and persevere. This business is cyclical. So if you don’t turn with it you’ll sink. So the answer is no, the success doesn’t suck. Success is an achievement as much as it is a responsibility. I owe it to my former broke-ass self to never get lazy and aim sky high. You know what sucks? Sleeping under a bridge at night and performing sexual tasks for a little of that crack rock. I think I’ve got it pretty damn good.

If you could be any kind of toothpaste, which brand would you be and why?

DAMN THIS IS SUCH A WEIRD QUESTION! Are you high? Why do I gotta be toothpaste? That goes into the mouth when it’s at its funkiest. Do you not like me? What did I do to you that you think I deserve to be toothpaste? Can I be a kind of cereal? Everyone loves cereal! Kids, adults, everyone. Cereal makes people happy. But NOOOO, you want me to be shackled to a life of halitosis. Last time I checked I’m pretty sure I didn’t kick your dog. But I MUST have done something horrific for you to condemn me to a life of gingivitis.

You got your start in Boston. Is it nice to come home to that or does it make you feel like you’re starting over?

I love coming back to Boston. There are so many fond memories there for me and a few of my good friends still live in Bean Town. It’s good to go back to places that were there in the gestation of a certain place in your life. It provides the perspective and nostalgia that can give you a little boost of inspiration in your current life.

If you could say anything to Whitey Bulger, what would it be?

Wanna be penpals? I’d LOVE to pick that guy[’]s brain! Sentenced to two life terms at the age of 83!! He’s already served a life term on Earth!! We need to update our sentencing guidelines. LOL! Like “um, yea your Honor, he um, yea, he’s probs gonna kick the bucket in like 78 min. Should we maybe pick something else on the retribution menu?” He should get old people endorsements now. Can you imagine Whitey Bulger doing a fibromyalgia commercial??? I’D DIE! So would a lot of other people, according to his record.

Your Sharp Tongue podcast is fucking hilarious. Why? Podcasts usually suck so it’s a nice change.

I honestly love doing it. There so much pressure accompanied with performance, so this podcast acts as my rebellious outlet. I like to mix it up each week and not stick to a theme like so many podcasts out there do. It works for them but for me I like to have the option to explore every aspect of this crazy-ass world. Check out the “Farts” episode, it’s pretty epic. Teaser: it features Girl Code director and writer (and my dear friend) Laura Murphy. She makes fart noises with her mouth that deserve a Grammy nom at the very least.

Social media, especially Twitter, has been good to you. Has Tindr been good to you?

I don’t mess with Tindr. I do however have bumble, happn and seamless. I know seamless is an app for getting food delivery, but you never know when you’re going to make a love connection with the guy who’s delivering your ramen. A girl must always be prepared.

What’s your perfect man look like, and if he doesn’t speak English is that a deal breaker?

My perfect man looks like John Stamos. He HAS to speak english! How else is he going to tell me the password to his heart??? I’M SO FUCKIN SMOOTH! SOMEONE STOP THE TRAIN BECAUSE THE CONDUCTOR OF LOVE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING. Or train, left the train. Ok, never mind. I’ll just see myself out.

What’s next for you? Any projects we should know about?

I’m currently cross stitching you a hate letter. But I may include poetry to soften the blow. Other than that, I’m currently working on creating my own TV show. So You Think You Can Shart. I know I can shart. You don’t wanna know how I know, but I know. We take people from all walks of life and give them time to shine with their true talents. But seriously, I am writing a show for me to star in and produce. I’m also continuing the comedy tour and podcast for the people to keep them ABREAST of what[’]s going on in my life. Get it? A breast? #HappyValentinesDay #LetHimGetAQuickHandful

Finally, are you over Stamos yet?

That depends. Is HE over ME yet? Stay tuned next week on So You Think You Can Stamos? #HaveJessiMercy

Jessimae Peluso will be performing live at Laugh Boston Thu 2.11, Fri 2.12, and Sat 2.13. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll shart yourself laughing.