Suffolk/Globe poll finds governor’s height to be much admired
In a recent poll conducted by the Suffolk University Center for Centrism and the Boston Globe Softball Questions Unit, 71% of Massachusetts residents like Gov. Charlie Baker despite knowing literally nothing about his political record.
“I like him… because he’s tall,” said Mike O’Malley, a barbituate-addled senior in Seekonk. “You… you… can really trust a tall guy.”
The scientific questionnaire was given solely to people hanging out in the back of Stop & Shop locations around the Commonwealth for maximum geographic diversity. Researchers focused on three key gubernatorial performance metrics: height, style, and whether he met your cousin Timmy down the VFW last Saturday night.
“He wears a suit nice,” said Susie Cantagliaro from next a dumpster in Danvers. “I like the red tie. My dealer has a red tie. So smooth.”
“Wicked good guy,” said Yiorgos Panatranatopolis while returning to his customary post-bender perch on a Hyannis traffic island. “My cousin Timmy met him down the VFW last Saturday night and says he was awesome. He even put Sweet Caroline on the stereo.”
The Suffolk and the Globe teams will be releasing their next poll—“John Henry: How Long Would You Pleasure Him for 50 Large?”—in May.
4/2/21 Editor’s Note: April Fool!