SATIRICAL SATIVA SPECIAL: THE CANNHATTAN PROJECT
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Executive Order #420
The White House, Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release
In the spirit of the Manhattan Project which took innovation and collaboration to unseen levels and helped the Allies win World War II, the United States government is starting a program to fund research and development into all aspects of the cannabis plant at an accelerated pace as we also end a War on Drugs that has negatively impacted millions. To address several significant societal issues, by the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, the creation of the Cannhattan Project is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Legalization. The plant genus cannabis, including but not limited to its divergent subspecies cannabis sativa and cannabis indica, is immediately legalized and removed from the schedule of controlled substances. Cannabis is now legal to cultivate, possess, transport, process, use, consume and sell by individuals 18 years of age and older. All treaties to which the United States of America is a party and which include undue restrictions on cannabis are declared null and void.
Sec. 2. Clemency/Expungement. All individuals currently incarcerated for any cannabis possession charge will be immediately released. All other cannabis convicts imprisoned for cultivation or distribution will be freed unless there are extenuating circumstances involving crimes of violence. The criminal records of all individuals released and of those who have ever been arrested for a nonviolent cannabis offense will be expunged.
Sec. 3. Reparations. The Cannhattan Project will make every effort to compensate people who have suffered as a result of prohibition. Free tuition, interest-free loans, counseling on demand, and financial remuneration for lost income will be available. The Department of Justice’s asset forfeiture program will cease and all monies confiscated without due process will be returned with interest.
Sec. 4. Easing Catch-422 Restrictions. Cannabis companies must have access to the same basic economic tools afforded every other business. As such, they shall henceforth be considered a part of mainstream American commerce and are now allowed to obtain loans, process credit cards, and deduct business expenses. All interstate and international shipping restrictions are lifted. Insurance companies are required to cover medicinal cannabis treatments. Testing positive for cannabis will no longer result in the automatic loss of one’s job or government benefits.
Sec. 5. Harm Reduction. The Cannhattan Project guarantees immediate treatment on demand to be covered by all insurance plans.
Sec. 6. Endocannabinoid Research. A cornerstone of the Cannhattan Project is intensive research into how the 85+ cannabinoids found in the cannabis flower interact with the endocannabinoid system. Through a Cannabis Curriculum, I am authorizing the granting of one hundred billion dollars for cannabis research at all educational levels from K-12, undergraduate and graduate university studies, teaching hospitals and commercial grade research and development.
Sec. 7. Veteran Affairs. Our veterans fought for us and it’s high time we fight for them. Because cannabis is so effective for treating traumatic brain injuries and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the Cannhattan Project will provide our veterans with Cannabis free of charge wherever needed.
Sec. 8. Indigenousness. Like our veterans, Native Americans have been mistreated and disregarded. The Cannhattan Project seeks to bestow respect to this proud people. Just as they used all parts of the buffalo to survive, Native Americans are free to use the entire Cannabis plant to produce food, fuel, paper, clothing, building materials, biodegradable plastic, high strength composites, and medicine.
Sec. 9. Hemp. The Cannhattan Project will focus on the myriad industrial uses of hemp to address several environmental and societal problems. To help kick-start the hemp industry, all new government buildings will have hemp incorporated into their construction whenever feasible. This includes hempcrete, hemp particle board, insulation and composite shingles in conjunction with hemp carpeting and upholstery to create comfortable, clean environments for government workers and the public they serve. All new government vehicles, including thousands of U.S. Postal Service trucks, will be made with hemp bio-composites and fueled with hempseed oil biodiesel, hemp stalk-based ethanol or hemp fiber supercapacitors. Hemp fiber will be used to create tomorrow’s superconducting batteries which will supercharge the economy. U.S. currency will be printed on hemp paper. All government facilities and public schools will prominently feature healthy hemp foods and healing hemp based body care products.
Sec. 10. Reinvigorating Rural America. The Cannhattan Project will reverse the decades long erosion of America’s farming communities. Incentives will be given for growing, processing and manufacturing hemp locally. This will create a multiplier effect and self-sustaining, regenerative farming economies.
Sec. 11. Hemp for Victory Redux. The legacy of World War II’s Hemp for Victory campaign is still growing wild throughout the Midwest. Feral hemp will provide the germplasm of tomorrow’s hemp industries. The Cannhattan Project creates USDA bounty stations to pay patriotic Americans for locating feral hemp.
Sec. 12. Reefer Gladness. Our government has spent billions demonizing marijuana and stigmatizing an entire class of Americans. The Cannhattan Project will help turn Reefer Madness into Reefer Gladness. Frequent smokeouts will be held on the front lawn of the White House and there will be epic Extravaganja celebrations on the National Mall in Washington DC every year on 4/20. The Cannhattan Project will also be sponsoring a series of festivals and hemposia across the country for celebrations and education.
Sec. 13. Remembrance. We will build a hempen memorial that contains the name of every prisoner of prohibition, every victim of prohibition related violence, every patient that struggled to obtain their medicine and every anti-prohibition pioneer that selflessly fought for everyone’s rights. They will number into the millions, yet we must recognize them to illustrate the scope of the tragedy that is prohibition and to provide some closure.
Sec. 14. Canna-Cabinet. For the Cannhattan Project to succeed, the right people must be involved. Eapen Thampy will coordinate reparations, Vivian McPeak will organize the Reefer Gladness campaign and Hempologist John Dvorak will continue to document The Cannhattan Project for posterity. I will also be appointing a Canna-Cabinet consisting of individuals committed to normalizing cannabis.
Hempologist John Dvorak has been reporting on cannabis hemp and its prohibition for over 25 years. He created the hemp history website Hempology.org and developed the Cannabis Curriculum.
JOHN DVORAK
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- SATIRICAL SATIVA SPECIAL: THE CANNHATTAN PROJECT - March 26, 2016
