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THE MOST RIDICULOUS ARTICLE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BOSTON GLOBE, IF NOT ALL OF JOURNALISM

By

COFFEE BIGGER

 

You’ve probably seen Clickhole. Here at the Dig, it’s pretty much the only site we read anymore, and one of the few outside media sources that we rely on. Their recent investigation into “Sweat-Drenched Day Laborers” was some of the most compelling coverage of both global warming and immigration we’ve seen anywhere.

 

Sometimes, however, our local news outlets prove themselves capable of comparable journalistic feats. Take this morning’s Pulitzer-bound piece in the Boston Globe‘s Food & Drink section titled “Meet BC’s coffee crew.” Before the article, most people were unaware of the java posse, which is comprised of Boston College football players. Now they know all about them:

 

  • They “started with daily trips to Dunkin Donuts,” but “eventually their journey grew more adventurous.” “They also took a name (Coffee Crew) and developed a wild story about the crew’s origins (it involves their ancestors running into a burning building on the Chestnut Hill campus to save a coffee maker).”

 

  • One guy has had an especially awesome experience. “It’s awesome,” the player told the Globe in their exclusive interview. “And I love it.”

 

  • These footballers know how to rough it. “If the crew had no access to a car — and often they didn’t — they’d ride wherever the MBTA could take them.”

 

  • Sean Burke can haz cheeseburger.  “On their way back, they’d find the closest fast food joint and grab a couple of burgers for one of the members, Sean Burke (who is a linebacker).”

 

  • They’re not yuppies in training. “They aren’t that picky about the spot. It doesn’t have to be a trendy cafe. Just a place that serves coffee. Launceford usually gets black drip coffee, so he can compare the same drink everywhere, and he takes a coffee sleeve from each spot as a souvenir. Others in the group go with a latte or cappuccino.”

 

  • Did we mention that they aren’t picky? These are some seriously down-to-earth guys who just happen to have great abs. “I’m not very picky,” Launceford said. “But I really like pour overs so if a place doesn’t have a pour over, I’m like, ‘I have a pour over in my dorm room. How can you guys not have a pour over in your cafe?’”

 

  • If you thought they always eat, you were wrong. “Sometimes they get food, but rarely.”

 

  • Do these guys take selfies? You bet they do. “They stay for about an hour. They always take a picture.”

 

In all seriousness, the story of the BC Coffee Crew is one of exploration, adventure, and “experiencing Boston in a way they wouldn’t have otherwise.” So far, their favorite coffee shops are as far away from campus as Fenway, Newbury Street, and Cambridge. It’s true that the media is typically biased toward alpha males, and has looked the other way as thousands of them have been marginalized in the press; but if we learned anything from today’s report in the Globe, it’s that Division I athletes are some of the most oppressed people among us.

 

“They got ugly looks at Crema Cafe for taking up too much space,” according to the Globe. “Boston Brewin Coffee turned out to be a curbside stop with no seating so they hung out at a nearby hotel lobby. At Render Coffee in the South End, Burke had coffee spilled on him.”

 

[Media Farm is wrangled by DigBoston News + Features Editor Chris Faraone]

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- 4 hours ago