Boston News Today - THE YEAR IN WAHLBERG BUFFOONERY

Mark and Donnie Wahlberg remind us of the cartoon canine hero Bolt, who naively thinks the superpowers he wields on the big screen apply in real life. From Mark claiming he could’ve stopped 9/11 if he’d just been on the hijacked plane, to Donnie’s “Blue Bloods” whitewashing and choreographed relationship with the intellectually challenged Jenny McCarthy, these clowns constantly sour our mood something awful. This year, however, was especially insulting …

-In March, no more than a handful of American television viewers suffered through the simultaneous premier and final episode of “Breaking Boston,” Mark’s reality show that he said was about “real women telling their original stories of trying to break out of what’s expected of them.” To his credit, the production dutifully met the public’s expectations after it was yanked off the air.

-If it wasn’t bad enough that Mark’s performance in Lone Survivor reminded us of the Ben Stiller caricature in Tropic Thunder, an ex-cop watching the film in Florida shot a fellow moviegoer for texting during a screening of the film. The victim had been messaging his baby’s childcare provider.

-Two words: Wahl. Burgers.

-After the passing of Tom Menino, some people told stories about how Hizzonner helped Boston for the better. Donnie told reporters about one of the mayor’s less applauded moments, helping make the BPD puff series “Boston’s Finest” a reality.

-Let’s not forget these sickening details from a tabloid piece about Mark’s new “manse” (as seen on Curbed.com):

At 30,000 square feet, Wahlberg’s mansion is “almost exactly” twice as large as Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady’s Landry-designed L.A. chateau—but who’s counting?

It’s also 18,500 square feet larger than the house he sold in October for $12.995M.

The spread sits on six acres of Beverly Hills real estate and … boasts such typical manor amenities as a putting green, double-height library, wine cellar, and wood-paneled home theater.

According to Landry’s renderings, said wine cellar will boast a very Restoration Hardware appeal, what with wrought iron doors and rusted orb chandeliers.

The manmade rock formation in the backyard is a pool with a “diving rock”and waterfall.

There’s a 2,200-square-foot outdoor loggia with “coffered ceilings, limestone floors and a fireplace.”

-As you’ve likely seen by now, Mark opened an enormous can of worms in applying to the Massachusetts Board of Pardons to scrub a wicked old felony assault conviction from his criminal record. Why? Because Wahlberg, who the whole world now knows once threw rocks at school children of color in addition to assaulting an Asian-American store owner, may want to be a volunteer cop.

And it looks like next year’s only going to get uglier …