I know a lot of shitty people. It’s not intentional, but between attending a private high school and college, being close to drugs and alcohol for my entire life, and covering America and politics through the 2008 crash, I have made acquaintances and even friends with more than a few guys—they’re almost all dudes—who in some way or another, legally or sometimes less so, extract capital from the economy with no regard for wreckage in their wake, however close or far removed.
Despite those mighty flaws, I’m actually here to (kind of) praise some of my savage capitalist cronies. At the very least, I’m not here to filet them as usual, but rather to wonder out loud: If some of the most depraved cats I know don’t support Donald Trump, then it is utterly unfathomable to me just how awful the numbskulls who remain in the president’s corner must be.
Of course, we know who they are. It’s so obvious that to put it in writing feels trite. Which is wild in and of itself.
I assume the people who still back the POTUS are like the Ohio Karen who went viral for a second time last week in one of the latest anti-masker outbursts to surface online. Watching this confused Neanderthal negotiate the Constitution, liberty, and property law with a Planet Fitness security guard, I got to thinking about all the things that I don’t like doing but that I do anyway because, well, those are the rules, dumb as they may be.
I don’t want to have to wear a shirt inside of restaurants. Maybe some of us like extra chest hair on our french fries.
I’m going to park my car wherever I want. Whenever I want.
If I show up at a restaurant without everybody in my party present, I am going to demand that they seat me anyway.
Speeding. I’m gonna do it.
And I know my mother will be aggravated with this next one, but whatever. Don’t tread on me, ma. From now on, I am going to wear my hat at the table.
I’m starting to sound nuts, huh? Perhaps a bit insane? Sort of like the adults barking dangerous contrarian magniloquence that’s rooted in owning the libs but masquerading as some kind of patriotic therapeutic alternative to medical consensus?
Some of the biggest assholes I know wear masks; even if they don’t like wearing them, they don’t harass servers and grocery store clerks with their gripes. I can be an inconsiderate goon myself, and I wear one too.
If there are millions of Trump supporters out there who are even bigger pieces of shit than me and the ethically compromised people in my contacts, then we’re all pretty screwed.
CHRIS FARAONE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF