“Unlike folkloric BU admin dicks, the last thing I want to do is cause irrational alarm over relatively small threats.”
Look at the people standing to your left.
Now, turn your head and look at everybody on your right.
Sometime in the next four years, one of those people will get crushed by the Green Line.
According to urban legend, Boston University administrators used to say that to incoming freshpeople at the beginning of each fall semester as a warning. They probably did really preach something like that; people have certainly been mauled by the trolley, while a few stretches of track are especially dicey for cyclists. But while I absolutely recommend honing a general awareness of all moving things that would serve anyone hoping to survive any bustling city, in order to thrive around Greater Boston in particular you’ll need more than some simple traffic pointers. (Ed. note: Dig Executive editor and associate publisher Jason Pramas said this was absolutely 100% something that former BU President and notorious chauvinist dick John Silber said in Jason’s presence.)
Unlike folkloric BU admin dicks, the last thing I want to do is cause irrational alarm over relatively small threats; while I hope that people are careful while surfing atop the T and recognize those who have actually been injured or killed due to ancient equipment and additional unfortunate factors, it’s also true that there are countless other daunting Boston concerns to consider. There are far too many to note here, but this issue acknowledges multiple plugs to help pole vault through pitfalls, and I’m going to start off with one of the most important tips of all: Don’t join a cult.
You’re laughing, but I mean it. Write it down, text it to yourself, get a damn tattoo if that is the only way you will remember. But whatever you do, don’t join a cult. Any kind of cult.
Sorry, I’m not going to list the names of cults here. You’re better off not knowing, plus they’re more likely to find you than you are to find them anyway. If they do find you, ignore them for the same reason we’re keeping this anonymous—they are cults, their members are demented, and sometimes they are even dangerous or litigious.
You may be wondering, how will you know if they come for you? There are resources online that you can reference, but in short, just don’t allow anyone who tries to break or gaslight you into your life. Tell them to screw off. It’s never too soon. If something or somebody seems awfully strange in a malevolent way, it’s time to jet. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable and keeps inviting you to macaroni Jesus dinner parties, ghost them. Run! If you find yourself dodging longtime friends and family members in order to please a gorgeous narcissist who demands that you call them “god,” that’s a cult. Get. The. Fuck. Away from it.
There is only one exception I can think of. If you’re a transplant from New York like me, you may have to cut some of the Yankee fans who you grew up with out of your life. You’re in Red Sox Nation now and they no longer love you anyway.
Welcome to Boston, we’re your new family now. We’ll take great care of you.
CHRIS FARAONE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF