Unless you’ve been living under a pumpkin, you’ve probably heard about the Pumpkin Festival riot near Keene State College the other week.

Just down the road from this annual New Hampshire event, two large off-campus parties of about a thousand people merged, creating a perfect storm of holiday horror. Police were dispatched, so the crowd threw liquor and beer bottles, billiard balls, and rocks at officers, leading to minimal injuries. Thanks to crowd handling, this unquiet riot had a somewhat happy ending. So to those on campus, here are a few tips for future Halloween havoc:

1. Pumpkins double up as good helmets.
2. You have to fight for your right to party. This doesn’t have to involve throwing billiard balls.
3. When rioting ensues, set your pumpkin pies out on the windowsill for a nice pepper spray dusting.
4. Bonfires are for toasting marshmallows and warming cold tootsies, not for burning the contents of flipped cars and dumpsters. Unless there’s a good reason for that. Like being out of marshmallows.

Come morning, the crowds had dispersed and Keene State seemed to be back on track, bringing everybody’s failed attempts at an epic party to an unfortunate end. One might even say that the students’ efforts at getting smashed at the 24th annual Pumpkin Festival were… squashed.

(Sorry.)

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