We feel it is important to re-introduce Kiddie Kroakers to new audiences annually. Sure, a lot of longtime Digsters are familiar with our late-December roundup of offensive playthings for juveniles, but others may think that we’re actually insane. We aren’t; the real sick bastards are the ones hocking miniature SWAT tanks for little kids, and who imported toxic toys covered in lead paint for generations. We’re just having fun, and reflecting on another year in which society and culture begged for ridicule and scorn.
Importantly, we’d also like to explain why a lot of Kiddie Kroakers are dangerous or humorous interpolations of classic toys from bygone eras. We realize this shows our age, but the fact is that the stuff kids played with in the ’80s and ’90s is more universally recognizable, not to mention cooler than a lot of the junk sold today. If that weren’t the case, toy makers wouldn’t keep re-hashing the same old ideas, and we wouldn’t have to worry about our drone-hacked My Little Pony becoming a reality by next holiday season.
Martha Pokely the Political Pushpin
Price | The Election
Tagline | Why blame Massachusetts Democrats, or outgoing Governor Deval Patrick, or anyone else for our new Republican Governor when you can keep on blaming Attorney General Martha Coakley with this prosecutorial voodoo doll.
Description | This plastic prosecutor says and does whatever her handlers want, for better or worse. Batteries are worn down, may need replacement soon.
Hazards | Child may lose self-respect, support of commonwealth electorate.
Herald Radio Flyer
Price | $1.25
Tagline | Pull your little conservative shitstain around with hardwired rants from the whole Herald gang.
Description | Your classic wagon, but with talking heads from the Boston Herald’s tin can online station wired in for surround-sound sensationalism.
Hazards | Child may develop view of history, politics unfit for accredited educational environment.
Mr. Ebola Head
Price | 99 cents/lb.
Tagline | It’s Mr. Ebola Head, and his puke and lesions, puke and lesions that scare morons.
Description | Mr. Ebola Head is an American tragedy consisting of a plastic model of a male Ebola Nurse, which can be decorated with a variety of open wounds and fluids that detach from the main body. These parts usually include red ears, infected eyes, a nose running with uncontrollable mucus, and a mouth that won’t stop vomiting.
Hazards | None that we can think of.
Cry Baby Baker
Price | Up to $500, as per limits set by the Massachusetts Office of Campaign and Political Finance
Tagline | Now with the governor’s real tears.
Description | Your favorite New England Republican is now a big pathetic teary-eyed figurine. Now comes with the children’s book, The Football and the Fishermen, which makes Baker cry all the way home.
Hazards | In addition to tears, toy is also full of shit.
Price | Milk and cookies.
Tagline | Just like Santa, but with a giant boner.
Description | This remarkably lightweight Real Doll brings the entire mall experience right into your bedroom. Think about how fantastic Santa already is without a boner, then imagine him with a massive stiff erection, and you’ll begin to understand what a deep impact Boner Santa will have on your holiday season.
Hazards | May get stuck in chimney.
Price | $5/square foot
Tagline | We put the ‘fun’ in gentrifuncation.
Description | Often described as ‘Jenga for gentrifiers,’ Genga is the custom table game designed to look like the tenement that used to be where your luxury apartment currently stands. Unlike those old housing projects, though, Genga can be put back together again.
Hazards | May lead to ignoring of older, formerly adored board and parlor games.
My Little Droney
Price | $1,299.99
Tagline | You bet your ass that’s a flying horse.
Description | My Little Droney is an entertainment franchise developed in collaboration between Hasbro and Boeing and primarily marketed to girls 13 and under.
Hazards | Severed fingers, lack of privacy, Dronies
Lil’ Luigi’s Lemon ISIS Chemical Kit
Price | $250 dinar
Tagline | When life gives you ISIS, make lemonade.
Description | Old school pizza shop owner Luigi teamed up with the Islamic State for this radical frozen lemonade stand kit the kids can’t live with or without.
Hazards | Citrus may sting open wounds.
Price | 6 bones
Tagline | Now with more bark for your buck.
Description | Ground Puppies are made from a mix of plush and deceased dog parts from their sloppy ears to their smashed eyeballs. They are available in either black or brown, some with spots. Each one comes in a cardboard case shaped like coffin with a doggy death certificate.
Hazards | May choke child to death, lure ornery zoophiles into play area.
Price | Donate now for your tax-deductible gift.
Tagline | Here & Naboo.
Description | This soft-spoken R-series industrial automaton is filled with more useless information and memory than your aunt who still reads TV Guide and crushes the whole family in Trivial Pursuit.
Hazards | Canvas bag tends to slip off droid arm.
Mass DPH Kiddie Cultivation Kit
Price | 5.25 percent of your income.
Tagline | You’ll never get high if you don’t comply.
Description | Never worry about your kids smoking weed again with this completely dysfunctional hydroponic gardening system brought to you by the buffoons who run the Mass Department of Public Health.
Hazards | Once healthy fear of weed sets in, children often grow up to become junkies, alcoholics.
Price | $50 billion
Tagline | Gotta trash ‘em all.
Description | If you’re sick of how your favorite Pokemon, Pikachu, just sits there looking cute without displacing thousands and committing untold human rights violations, then meet his Olympic buddy.
Hazards | May come to Boston in 2024.