First a thought: This Dzhokhar Tsarnaev trial is going to be over, and the best visual remembrance we’ll have is a trove of courtroom sketches that, like all other courtroom sketches in the history of this ridiculous tradition, neither depict what actually happened nor serve much of any purpose. The latest few are masterstrokes, but we could probably learn just as much from some kind of interpretive rain dance.
In the past week some hacks made their hay out of the judge dramatically telling potential jurors they’ll get to decide whether the kid lives or dies, while others focused on the quirkiness of those being interviewed, including one schmuck who said his roommates think the prospect of a death sentence is “cool.” Considering you have to essentially be brain dead to qualify for the assignment, we assume the kid was approved. If not, he can probably get a job covering the trial for a local outlet …
IF ONLY
It turns out the big news this week ain’t news at all. With a lack of interesting stories on the Boston Marathon bombing trial front, the web-skimming public went nuts over a bogus piece from the tragically unfunny Empire News, “Accused Boston Marathon Bomber Severely Injured In Prison, May Never Walk Or Talk Again.” Here’s a glimpse at the bad joke that, while not deserving of the title, is being classified as satire:
It initially appeared as though Tsarnaev slipped on a discarded banana peel and hit the floor with such force that his head bounced off the hard tile surface, probably 16 or 17 times. There was blood everywhere—all over the walls, the floor, even the toilet.
CHUMBAGS
Ladies and gentlemen, the clumsiest lede of the year so far, courtesy of Boston Herald writer Laurel J. Sweet and whichever baboon edits her copy:
A childhood chum of Dzhokhar “Jahar” Tsarnaev’s who belatedly told investigators it was “clear” his friend was one of the Boston Marathon bombing suspects—but he didn’t call the cops—is not deserving of mercy now that he realizes he’s facing eight years in prison, prosecutors argue in court papers beseeching a judge to not throw out Robel Phillipos’ conviction.
Not a lot of people know this, but if you close your eyes in a public bathroom and say “childhood chum” 10 times in a row, Herald editor-in-chief Joe Sciacca jumps out of the toilet and slaps you twice across the ass.
BUSTED
As much as we would love to shatter every bone in little Jizz Tsarnaev’s body with a baseball bat, it was unbearable to watch how childishly amused so many reporters were to boast that Dorchester UFC fighter John “Doomsday” Howard broke older brother Tamerlan’s nose back in the day. This is already an insane story, with religion and bombs and FBI agents. There’s no need to sensationalize such silly tangents. If you’re going to move that far off the ball, you might as well spin articles out of thin air.
[Media Farm is wrangled by DigBoston News+Features Editor Chris Faraone]
Dig Staff means this article was a collaborative effort. Teamwork, as we like to call it.
