It’s not just a cheap legal stunt, it’s pure magic for the stage

Some locals are looking at the newly filed lawsuit against Boston Mayor Michelle Wu by a few North End restaurateurs as a shameless stunt, a heavy helping of some MAGA parmesan for the overly suntanned suburban Boston dicks of Insta to chew on between hilarious sketches about dropping r’s and Dunkin’ Donuts. And perhaps it is …

But we also saw something different, something more. Reading through the discombobulated cauldron of non sequitur me-first anti-communitarian sludge, we somehow found a rhythm, felt the beat. This was no ordinary legal document; it’s Boston’s next hit spring musical.

The order of the text has been rearranged, though not by much. Also, we exclusively used language from the text—including for the show tunes—as a nod to the integrity of the litigation.

ACT I

Setting

Prior to May 1, 2022, Mayor Wu, by and through her agents in Boston City Government, issued an Order (hereinafter, the “Order”) that any restaurant in the “North End” of Boston which wanted to have outdoor dining for the summer of 2022 was required to apply for a license to do so. Said license would require a special Seven Thousand and Five Hundred Dollar (“$7,500.00”) fee, and every “parking space” the said restaurant took up in order to place tables on would cost an additional Four Hundred and Eighty Dollar (“$480.00”) per month.

The Order did not apply to any other area of Boston, and any other area of Boston other than the North End did not have to pay the $7,500.00 fee. Upon information, which is believed to be true, no restaurants in Boston, except in the North End, must pay for use of parking spaces in the outdoor dining program.

Scene 1

EXT. SALEM STREET – DAY

Mendoza owns Vinoteca di Monica, a restaurant located at 143 Richmond Street in the North End of Boston, Massachusetts. Although Mendoza believes the special license fee is unconstitutional, in order to compete with other restaurants in the city of Boston, under protest he enrolled in the “payment plan” to pay the special $7,500.00 fee so he could have outdoor dining at his restaurants. He also uses three (3) parking spaces for his outdoor dining.

Gomes owns Terramia Ristorante and Antico Forno restaurants located at 98 Salem Street and 93 Salem Street, respectively, in the North End of Boston. Massachusetts. Although Gomes believes the special license fee is unconstitutional, in order to compete with other restaurants in the city of Boston, under protest she paid the special $7,500.00 fee so she could have outdoor dining at her restaurants. She also uses two (2) parking spaces for her outdoor dining.

GOMES

(singing –)

ALTHOUGH PARKING SPACES IN THE PROGRAM ARE DESIGNATED FOR TWENTY FEET EACH

ONLY ALLOWED THIRTY-TWO FEET TOTAL FOR TWO PARKING SPACES

THIRTY-TWO

THIRTY-TWO

Scene 2

INT. CITY HALL – DAY

Prior to the Order being handed down, Boston City officials, acting as agents for the Defendant, formed a committee of restaurant owners to discuss with said officials how outdoor dining would proceed in 2022. Neither of the Plaintiffs were part of the committee. The Boston City officials never mentioned anything about fees during the committee meetings.

The announcement of the fees mentioned in Paragraph 7 above were first stated in a Zoom meeting with the affected North End restaurants. Upon information, which is believed to be true, no written document was ever served upon the North End restaurant owners outlining the fees.

Upon learning of the fees mentioned in Paragraph 5 above, Plaintiffs, among other North End restaurant owners, went to a meeting with Boston City officials, said officials acting as agents for the Defendant, in City Hall to protest the fees.

MENDOZA

(singing –)

BOSTON OFFICIALS BARRED THE PLAINTIFFS FROM ATTENDING

ALTHOUGH THEY ALLOWED OTHER OWNERS TO ATTEND

THESE LATTER OWNERS WERE NOT OPPOSED TO THE FEES

THE ORDER HAS A LATER STARTING DATE FOR OUTDOOR DINING

AND AN EARLIER ENDING DATE THAN OTHER RESTAURANTS 

TWO MONTHS LESS THAN THAT OF COMPETITION 

TWO MONTHS LESS

TWO MONTHS LESS

Scene 3

INT. ATTORNEY’S OFFICE – DAY

The undersigned attorney, acting for his clients, sent a demand letter to Mayor Wu on or about April 5, 2022, requesting that Mayor Wu rescind the Order. Said letter informed Mayor Wu that failure to do so would result in a civil action requesting a minimum of One Million and Five Hundred Thousand Dollars (“$1,500,000.00”) in damages for each Plaintiff.

Upon information, believed to be true, the North End restaurants are a popular tourist attraction for people visiting Boston from around the United States and the world.

If Plaintiffs refused to pay the fees mentioned in Paragraph 7 above, they would not be allowed to have outdoor dining spaces. Without outdoor dining, Plaintiffs would not be able to compete with other restaurants. The actions of the Defendant denied the Plaintiffs their rights to Due Process of Law as guaranteed them by the Constitution of the United States

MENDOZA & GOMES TOGETHER

(singing –)

WHEREFORE, THE PLAINTIFFS PRAY THAT THIS HONORABLE COURT GRANT

PRAY

PRAY

PRAY

A DECLARATION THAT PLAINTIFFS’ RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED 

AND AN ORDER REQUIRING PROPER AND EQUITABLE RELIEF

COMPENSATORY DAMAGES

FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS

PUNITIVE DAMAGES

ONE MILLION DOLLARS

TRIAL BY JURY

SUCH OTHER AND FURTHER RELIEF THAT TO THE COURT SEEMS JUST

ONE MILLION DOLLARS

ONE MILLION DOLLARS